I have recently realised that I have a genuine fear of committing to anything for much longer than a few months. I am suddenly very nervous about being tied down into this contract for a full year. I can't bring myself to think about 'the future', even if it is only (" ") 12 months down the line. If there's anything that the last twelve months (or so, since graduation,) have taught me, is that nothing is certain and nothing is ever set in stone and you really never know what sort of curveball life is about to throw at you. When I try and imagine my life in August 2011, I am plagued by questions like, "Will I still be in the same job?" and, perhaps worse, "What if I lose the job I have?" as well as about another hundred or so completely pointless and useless worries - and the reason it is pointless and useless worrying about such things is because, ultimately, whatever happens, happens - "que serra, serra", to put it more poetically. I think what this goes to show is that I'm now having to compromise my "live for the day, from one day to the next" philosophy to allow for a broader time frame.
Which brings me on to the following:
- the idea of "allowing for a broader time frame". How broad are we talking? Obviously I am in no fit position to get [or buy? Does one 'buy' a mortgage?!] a mortgage, or a car, or even to apply for some further academic qualification, due to my financial constraints. And I'm not here to complain about that, it's just a factual statement. But my point is that one day (with a bit of luck) I will be in that position, and when that day comes, I will be signing over 25-30 years of my life to pay off a mortgage on some or other property, or be indefinitely tied down with annual road tax and MOTs (or however often it is that they happen), or again be in the position where more student debt will get piled on my (currently tanned!) shoulders. It's not that there's anything wrong with that, I'm just trying to point out how easy it seems for one to fall into such a routine, where suddenly you work 9-5, 5 days a week, to make ends meet. And I know that that's the norm, that it is what most people do and it is how society is 'structured', but I've suddenly remembered that I used to think there must be another way, a better way, of spending one's time in this one life that we get to live. Where am I going with all this? I'm just trying to make the point that, in my opinion, "allowing for a broader time frame" (as opposed to living "from one day to the next") does not appear to be liberating. - - -
- - - I will always remember the day when I was penniless, back in August of last year, and going for a job interview at Brent Cross with nothing save £2.10 on my Oyster card - just enough to cover my journey there and back. I appreciated how, that day, I didn't have to worry what I would buy for lunch - I didn't have to stand there in the sandwich isle of Tesco's for a half hour [exaggeration] deciding what to eat - I just didn't have that choice. It was one less thing to worry about! And for someone who has on several occasions contemplated about why they chose the-pink-up-over-the-blue-cup-to-make-a-cup-of-tea-in-when-both-cups-are-relatively-the-same-size-and-shape-and-of-course-the-tea-would-taste-the-same-in-both, having less things to worry about is a godsend!
Note - I just want to point out that I'm not some loon who goes around worrying about cup-of-tea colours; the Cup-of-Tea Colour Dilemma was a way for me (as a philosophy student at the time) to think about the nature of choice, and why it is that one opts for a certain cup out of the cupboard as opposed to another cup - whether it is a choice at all - and if so, how the choice is made - or whether whatever cup it is that one takes out was always 'destined' to be the cup for that particular cup of tea. Make sense? Probably not.
In any case, I wouldn't suggest anyone reading this to take anything I say too seriously, I make the time now to be 02:39 (though the post timestamp is taken at whatever time I started writing this) - it has been a long day and I like to waffle. Mmmm... waffles...
On a side note, if anyone is actually reading this blog, it would be good to get some comments and start some dialogue. Just a suggestion, I don't really mind either way.
